There are four attachment styles — secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized — and they largely shape the way we love: what we seek, what reassures us, what makes us flee. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and then Mary Ainsworth, offers a surprisingly faithful lens on our love lives. Here's how to locate yours.
What are the four attachment styles?
- Secure: comfortable with intimacy as well as autonomy. About half the population. The relationship is a support, not a threat.
- Anxious: needs closeness and fears abandonment. Tends to over-interpret signals, to dread silence.
- Avoidant: values independence, wary of emotional dependence. Distance reassures more than closeness.
- Disorganized: oscillates between the desire for connection and the fear of being hurt. Often tied to difficult early experiences.
None of these styles is a fate. They are tendencies, shaped by our first relationships, and largely changeable in adulthood. We even speak of "earned security" when an anxious or avoidant person develops, over time and through the right relationships, a more secure way of functioning.
The anxious-avoidant trap
Some combinations attract and wound each other. The anxious-avoidant duo is the most documented: the more one seeks closeness, the more the other flees it, which intensifies the first's anxiety, and so on. Understanding this mechanic is already starting to get out of it.
We don't choose our attachment style. But we can learn to recognize it, and to love differently.
How do you find out your attachment style?
In My Garden, a test inspired by the work of Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) helps you locate your own way of functioning. Not to label you, but to better introduce you to people with whom a secure relationship is possible. Knowing yourself is also protecting the other from our automatic patterns.
Key takeaways
- Four styles: secure (~50%), anxious, avoidant, disorganized.
- Attachment style is a changeable tendency, not a permanent label.
- The anxious-avoidant couple sustains an exhausting closeness/flight cycle.
- Identifying your style helps you choose more secure relationships.
The Soulsync team — Soulsync Newsroom
